Saying Goodbye has never really been one of my strengths. I’m extraordinarily awful at just simply uttering the words goodbye and letting that be enough. Goodbyes for me happen in multiple stages, like 4 or 5 very lengthy stages. Basically, what I mean by that is that I have found a way to drag out my goodbyes to where they last for long, long periods of time. For example: When I moved to Florida a couple of years ago leaving my little brother was very difficult for me because we had become attached at the hip. And because of that when it came to saying Goodbye I stretched the whole tedious process out for a whole two months before it was actually time for me to go. Anytime that the conversation lulled or after a moment of extreme excitement or hilarity my mind would always settle right back into the unsettling thoughts that these moments wouldn’t be so accessible anymore. Holding on to a realization like that is almost impossible for me, it’s a reflex like puking, so naturally I would have to say something like: “Man, it sucks that we won’t be able to do this anymore once I’m gone.” What at first would bring an emotional tear eventually would become so predictable that it would be met with a simple roll of the eyes.
So last week when I found myself saying goodbye to a job that quickly became the best gig I’ve ever had, needless to say I felt the need to begin my wearisome and lengthy parade of goodbyes. Once again by the time it was actually time for me to say goodbye, I had created a certain amount of indifference in regards to my actual departure.
And the truth is I understand why my actions have this effect, I can only imagine the thoughts that would run through my head were someone to do this to me: “If I have to say goodbye to that egotistical maniac one more time I think I’ll poke him in the eye and make a run for it.”
It’s all very much like Turk and J.D. in the last episode of Scrubs where Turk begins his Goodbye to early in the day and they realize the emotion and momentum is gone by the end of the day. It’s like I’m so afraid my departure won’t mean anything that I actually cause it to mean very little. Anyone else experience this? It seems to ingrained in me, you know like it’s a part of me, to just stop.
I very much value all the people and places that have contributed to the person I am today and they are still a big part of who I am no matter how the goodbye played out.
*Originally posted March 21st, 2007
People are more transparent when expressing themselves through art. I think, too often, when writing to prove a point the goal is to hid our feelings, biases, and world views within our arguments. We have this longing for our views and perspectives to stand on their own, apart from our feelings. The question I guess I’m asking here is “don’t you think hiding our biases and feelings from an argument leaves a big chunk of the truth undiscussed?” There is a lot of truth to be found in asking why. Full transparency reveals the full truth and so it’s important to find a way to express these things if discovering, knowing, and revealing the truth is the ultimate good. Art is much better at portraying real genuine truth and perspective. Journalism in it’s very nature tries to deny the existence of it’s own biases, leaving a big part of the truth unknown while Art, even in it’s simplest forms, reveals the whole story, biases and all and does so through the individual perspective of the artist. A few days ago I taught a Language Arts class at a nearby middle school. The topic of the day was the limerick, which is a very basic 5 line poem where lines 1,2,5 rhyme together and lines 3,4 rhyme together. The last thing we did was write our own limerick and I had the opportunity to walk around and read the students poems. What I discovered was that each poem revealed several truths about each student’s life and perspective outside of the class room, you could clearly separate the optimists from the pessimists, the kids who have it easy and the kids who have it tough. I also discovered some limericks that I can share here, that show what I’m talking about. Here they are in all of their extravagant transparency:
Every breath is a gift. Every heartbeat, every friendship, all of our freedoms… it’s all a gift.