Posts Tagged Friendship

“As Yourself”


          I’m fascinated by the idea of loving someone “as yourself,” and have spent an awful lot of time pondering the meaning, the possibilities, and the difficulties with loving someone else using the same means and measure in which we love and care for ourselves. In a culture as individualistic as the one in which we live, how rare is it we find someone who cares just as much about someone else’s needs as they do about their own. What would it even look like for one person to give up their individual rights, their individual freedoms, and their individual luxuries for the shared rights, shared freedoms, and shared luxuries of the community. Who in their right mind would give of their voice to a child who doesn’t have one, or give of their own food or property to those who have found themselves without. What kind of person chooses to give up what is rightfully theirs to keep. Who would give up their own life, their own desires, their own dreams, their own God-given resources for someone else.

          Jesus often gave instructions that pointed to the heart of this concept, the one that comes to mind first for me is this one:

If anyone wants to sue you and take your shirt, let him have your coat also. Whoever forces you to go one mile, go with him two. Give to him who asks of you, and do not turn away from him who wants to borrow from you. “

          I’ve always seen this particular teaching of Jesus’ to be extreme and radical because it goes against the way most of us live today.  All of Jesus’ teachings teach us to love but were not meant to follow them as one follows a law, but we follow the spirit in which each instruction was given.  We follow love.  We give our shirt to the man who sues us because he is a man in need, because we love him, his needs our like our needs.  The person who forces us to go along with them for a mile, we happily go two, for maybe they just need a friend and we know what that’s like, no man should be friendless.  And when our neighbors, friends, family, or even our enemies ask or require something of us, we are to consider, what if it were me?

          For the young and for the innocent, this instruction, to love others as yourself comes really easy, almost natural.  It’s not rare to see this type of love in our children, for example, the time a young a boy begged his mom to get McDonald’s for the homeless guy on the corner, or the little girl who gave the contents of her entire piggy bank to the missionary who spoke at church.  But life often takes away more than it gives and one of the things it subtracts from our lives is our ability or willingness to love others as ourselves.  Most of us began in our young life, giving, loving, sharing as if others were just as important as ourselves, but then something happened: someone we gave to, took to much, walked away with a piece of our soul, or spit in our face.  The result of which is a heart that’s less open, less warm, less willing to give, to share, and to love, taking our natural ability to love others as ourselves and replacing it with a constant struggle to force ourselves back open.  The truth is to love someone as yourself, is to take a risk, to put your heart and soul on the line on a regular basis.  And inevitably, we all get hurt.  So what then?  How do we get back to where we once were?  The answer to this question is far from simple, I think when it gets to that point, we only have one choice and that’s to lean on the words of Jesus, that if we ask of Him, we will receive.

          Lord, knowing that this is the story behind the current condition of my heart, and my soul I call for, I beg, I plead, I desperately cry out asking for the restoration of my innocence, my warm and open heart, the chunk of my soul that disappeared. I pray that you do the same for all who find themselves here. I ask that you begin to change the fundamentals that are shaping the world around us from the mindset of the individual into the mindset of the community.  Revive in me the ability to love others as myself.

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The Art of Restoring What We’ve Once Destroyed

Ground Zero

I definitely am not one that can sit here at my computer and claim to know a lot about forgiveness, for ideally that should come from a man much stronger and wiser than I.  Yet even I, in all of my ignorance and stubbornness, understand how difficult it is to withstand the pain, embarrassment, and strife that can come from the hands of our fellow human beings, especially the ones who stick around long enough to gain our trust.  I, too, experience the temptation to judge and condemn those who use their existence as an opportunity to cause destruction and disconnect in a world that was meant for creation and community.   It would be easy to just refuse forgiveness all together.  It’s not like they deserve it.  If I were completely honest with myself often times this is exactly how I feel.  I imagine those who have hurt me coming back, pleading and begging for my forgiveness and I turn and walk away the same way they walked away from me, because that’s what I think they deserve.

Or instead, I could just agree to the bare minimum, (e.g. “I’ll forgive but not forget.”) or agree to forgive but only with a spirit of contempt only because it’s what I’m supposed to do.  It’s always going to fall back to what I think the person deserves.  It’s the law of “ just consequences.”  You walked away, you spit in my face, or you treated me like crap, there should definitely be some consequences and maybe it’s my job to make sure you feel them.

And yet what’s the ultimate consequence for MY actions. Is causing MORE destruction and MORE disconnect really the impact I want to make?  If Jesus’ purpose was not to condemn the world, then what business is it of mine?

Forgiveness is difficult because just like any other aspect of love it’s never indifferent; to forgive and walk away is to not forgive at all.  To forgive someone is to love someone, and to love someone is to continue a connection, to build a friendship, to construct a living community.  Forgiveness can be as simple as a hug or as complex as an ongoing uncomfortable conversation.  It’s an open heart and mind, a willingness to continue and the courage to begin again and it’s all of this with no regard for the ugliness that may come against us.  The real beauty of forgiveness lies in the risk, in the understanding that we may face a closed and cold heart time and time again.  And yet true forgiveness is ones ability to never close your heart to anyone for any reason.  It’s found in our ability to keep our hearts warm and open no matter how many times we come up against cold hearted or closed-minded individuals.  With every action we either create or destroy and forgiveness is the art of restoring what we’ve once destroyed.  Re-creation and Reconciliation, Forgiveness and love, it’s all the same.  It’s the result of a constant and consistent open heart.

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My Cracks In the Sidewalk

“I encounter people when I walk on the street now who give me sort of a sad look.  I have had more fortune than anybody I know.  And if our next gig is doing a show in a 7-Eleven Parking lot we will find a way to make it fine.  We really will.  I have no problems.  And, I don’t want to do it on a 7-Eleven parking lot.  (Audience laughs)  But whatever, uh… And all I ask is one thing…and this is…I’m asking this particularly of young people that watch…please do not be cynical.  I hate cynicism. For the record, it’s my least favorite quality.  It doesn’t lead anywhere.  Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get.  But if you work really hard and you’re kind, amazing things will happen.  I’m telling you.  Amazing things will happen.”

- Conan O’Brien (from his goodbye speech on the Tonight Show)

I feel for Conan. Although I am extremely impressed with Conan’s words and thoughts, there is no doubt in my mind how hard this must be for him: to have reached his dream only to have it ripped from him so rapidly.  How different the world must look.  The color, fascination, and excitement that comes with living a dream quickly transforms into dull tones of grey.  No matter how easy it must be to say cynicism is the enemy, it’s never quite so easy the next day.  I’m sure Conan will never be labeled a cynic but no doubt the next couple weeks cynicism will feel much like a best friend to ‘ole CoCo.  All of that being said Conan’s goodbye has me thinking more about my own goodbyes, about my own tendencies toward cynicism, my own inability to walk away from my dreams.

I’m reminded of my cousin’s kid, Ethan, on his birthday this last year.  He immediately became infatuated with one of his gifts, a toy vaccum cleaner.  He really went at it, he vacuumed every inch of that room, probably 3 or 4 times and still there was no sign that he was ever going to quit.  The time had come to show him and his twin sister their big playhouse, that no doubt took hours for my cousin to put together and here Ethan is still vacuuming the living room.  So here comes Mom, she picks up little Ethan who almost instantly begins violently kicking and screaming, it was obvious he did not want to be pulled away from that vacuum cleaner.  He didn’t care where he was going or what was going to come next, he wanted to cry and scream, to grieve and lament that former moment in the living room with the vacuum cleaner.

I can’t help but question where, on a scale between Conan’s reaction and Ethan’s, my reactions fall.  Maybe if I were more of a seasoned writer, like Conan I would have said the right thing and let the dream go, like a mature adult should but if I’m going to be honest here Id’ have to admit I relate much more to Ethan and his story and reaction.  I, too, like Conan, have become to hate cynicism but sometimes I wonder if its not as inevitable as cracks in a sidewalk.  Life hurts, time often takes away more than it gives.  I’m only 26 years old, I have many more goodbye ahead of me in this life maybe someday I’ll be able to handle it as graciously as Conan, with what C.S Lewis called “excellent absurdity“.

“But to thank God for the “excellent absurdity” which enables us to play great parts without pride and little ones without dejection, rejecting nothing through false modesty which is only another form of pride, and never when we occupy for a moment the centre of the stage, forgetting that the play would have gone off just as well without us…” - C.S. Lewis

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I’m Going To Go Back There Someday

I’M GOING TO GO BACK THERE SOMEDAY

(Lyrics & Music Paul Williams/Ken Ascher)

This looks familiar
Vaguely familiar
Almost unreal yet
It’s too soon to feel yet
Close to my soul and yet so far away
I’m going to go back there some day.

Sunrises, nightfalls
Sometimes the sky calls
Is that a song there?
Then do I belong there?
I’ve never been there but I know the way
I’m going to go back there some day.

There’s not a word yet for old friends
Who’ve just met
Part heaven, part space
Or have I found my place?
You can just visit, but I plan to stay.

I’m going to go back there some day

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“Never Leave Someone Behind” – *REWIND*

Running*Originally posted March 21st, 2007

Ok… so Jacob and I went running on Monday.  It was a perfectly beautiful day outside so we decided to go to the park near his house.  At first we were just walking aimlessly trying to figure out where and when to start running.  While we were walking we passed this guy on the trail, he caught our attention because he was wearing a hoodie and a beenie on a uniquely warm spring day. (He was probably trying to lose weight for sports or something.)

Anyway so, Jake and I finally start running, and then it happens, as it usually does, I eventually begin to slow down, laging behind just a little at first but slowly trailing further and further behind.  Jake’s not thinking much about it because like I said, it happens pretty regularly and I always catch up further down the path somewhere.

And here comes hoodie guy, passing us again going the opposite direction this time, as he passes very quickly and quietly,  he projects his voice so that only Jake could hear, he says “never leave someone behind.”  A few seconds later he’s passing me doing just the same and says, again very quickly and quietly with compassion in his voice, “go ahead, catch him.”

Isn’t it just like God to come right up to us and share the most beautiful picture of relationship and friendship.  “Never leave someone behind” and “Go ahead, catch him.”  Good life advice don’t you think?  True love never lets you trail behind and won’t let you get away.

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The Constipation of Thought and The Rushing Waters of Friendship

Writer's Block

So things have been kind of slow here on the blog, don’t try and adjust your internet connection it’s just a symptom of this massive case of writer’s block I’ve been cursed with, as of late, my journal has suffered something to the same effect.  I hate the feeling that I have something to express but lack the mind frame in which is required of me to be capable of putting them to words.  There are only a handful of feelings more aggravating than that.  However, no matter how clogged my brain may be, it’s never too clogged to recognize the persistent, undying affection my soul has for a friend.  At the very mention of the name of a treasured friend many thoughts, emotions, and words come pouring out of me like the rushing waters of Niagara Falls.  I sat there for hours, my brain still fully clogged and bloated with all the valuable words of wisdom I long to share, and yet page after page had been filled with the wishes, longings, desires, and infinite supply of loving and affectionate thoughts that have found their residence within me, toward a friend. And yet all is done in vain, for I am left to wonder If these words will ever be heard, understood, or shared.  Which, by chance, happens to be even more of an aggravating feeling than that which I spoke of prior.

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Human Affection

The effect of the indulgence of this human affection is a certain cordial exhilaration.  In poetry and in common speech the emotions of benevolence and complacency which are felt toward others are likened to the material effects of fire; so swift, or much more swift, more active, more cheering, are these fine inward irradiations.  From the highest degree of passionate love to the lowest degree of good will, they make the sweetness of life.”

- Ralph Waldo Emerson

MY RE-WRITE

The consequence of the taking part in this pleasurable experience called human affection is an intensely comfortable and lively emotion.  In our stories and our real life relations the feeling of kindness and satisfaction which we feel for one another is much like the physical feeling of warming yourself by a fire.  There are few things more exhilirating than these sparks of light that peirce through the dark.  Whether it be an intense affection or just a kind act done one to another, these are the ingrediants that add the sweetness to life.

-  Ralph Waldo Emerson (paraphrased)

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The Intolerable Compliment

We are, not metaphorically but in very truth, a Divine work of art, something God is making and therefore something with which He will not be satisfied until it has a certian character… over the great picture of his life- the work which he loves, as intensely as a man loves a woman or a mother a child- He will take endless trouble… In the same way, it is natural for us to wish that God designed for us a less glorious and less arduous destiny; but then we are wishing not for more love but less.

- C.S. Lewis (The Problem of Pain)

Leave it to Lewis to phrase pain and turmoil in such a beautiful fashion.  How amazing to think that our character, our whole person, who we are, and whatever it is we become is all very important to the God who gives the universe it’s life and motion on a constant basis.  I always find myself asking over and over “Why keep holding on?  Why endure through all the crap that comes this way?”  And here, in this resplendent paragragh C.S. Lewis points a mirror right into my soul and reveals the truth that lies within.  And with the daily death of myself I place my life in the hands of the most creative and talented entity the universe has ever experienced, which forces me to realize that deep down somewhere I actually believe, trust, and hope that everything will work out and when all is said and done, my life will have meant something to someone.  Do I still find the frustration and the hurt of relationships and friendship intolerable at times?  I can answer that with a very certain, solemn, and confident… Absolutely! But I live my life with hope that one day as God scrapes, washes, corrects, re-paints, and changes me that my life will matter, somehow; in someway.  And the pain is not because God has left me or hates me but because he loves me as his beloved.

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True Friendship Requires…

So I was reading my usual blogs and stumbled upon Matthew’s Blog and read his little blurb called Submission or Self-will where he gives these two quotes.

“Self-will is closely allied to solitude;”    – Plato

AND

“For fellowship and friendship cannot be cherished when everyone pleases himself and refuses to yield or accommodate himself to others.”  – John Calvin

I love how friendship is just another thing God threw into the mix in order to humble us and keep us accountable to the excellent absurdity.  For what an amazing privilege it is serve the needs and desires of those around us; our friends.   Friendship can never be completely focused on ones own needs, it should most definitely be dominated by the attitude – what can I give?  True Friendship is a sacrifice, a yeilding, or an accomadation.

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