Saying Goodbye has never really been one of my strengths. I’m extraordinarily awful at just simply uttering the words goodbye and letting that be enough. Goodbyes for me happen in multiple stages, like 4 or 5 very lengthy stages. Basically, what I mean by that is that I have found a way to drag out my goodbyes to where they last for long, long periods of time. For example: When I moved to Florida a couple of years ago leaving my little brother was very difficult for me because we had become attached at the hip. And because of that when it came to saying Goodbye I stretched the whole tedious process out for a whole two months before it was actually time for me to go. Anytime that the conversation lulled or after a moment of extreme excitement or hilarity my mind would always settle right back into the unsettling thoughts that these moments wouldn’t be so accessible anymore. Holding on to a realization like that is almost impossible for me, it’s a reflex like puking, so naturally I would have to say something like: “Man, it sucks that we won’t be able to do this anymore once I’m gone.” What at first would bring an emotional tear eventually would become so predictable that it would be met with a simple roll of the eyes.
So last week when I found myself saying goodbye to a job that quickly became the best gig I’ve ever had, needless to say I felt the need to begin my wearisome and lengthy parade of goodbyes. Once again by the time it was actually time for me to say goodbye, I had created a certain amount of indifference in regards to my actual departure.
And the truth is I understand why my actions have this effect, I can only imagine the thoughts that would run through my head were someone to do this to me: “If I have to say goodbye to that egotistical maniac one more time I think I’ll poke him in the eye and make a run for it.”
It’s all very much like Turk and J.D. in the last episode of Scrubs where Turk begins his Goodbye to early in the day and they realize the emotion and momentum is gone by the end of the day. It’s like I’m so afraid my departure won’t mean anything that I actually cause it to mean very little. Anyone else experience this? It seems to ingrained in me, you know like it’s a part of me, to just stop.
I very much value all the people and places that have contributed to the person I am today and they are still a big part of who I am no matter how the goodbye played out.